http://www.kidsahoy.net/ KidsAhoy.net: Your one-stop online portal for the Filipino Global child! en-us 2012-01-30T00:00:00+01:00 Privacy and Your Preteen http://www.kidsahoy.net/content.asp?ContentId=1095 Should you �spy� on your kids?

There is a growing debate surrounding this question. Today, mass media makes it hard to control what influences your child imbibes. In addition, technology provides the world countless ways of reaching your child. Beyond telephones and snail mail, now they have cellphones, email, instant messaging and the internet! We parents can�t help but be concerned about just what our children are up to.

Now, reconcile this with your preteen. If you have a child between the ages of nine and twelve, you must be feeling the challenges of preteen parenting. Suddenly, your child doesn�t want to be treated like her younger siblings. She wants more independence, and is beginning to ask for more privacy. She is greatly influenced by her peers, and would like to spend as much time with them as possible. If she�s in middle school, then almost half of her waking time is spent outside your home. She�s also building friendships with other kids that you didn�t know from before.

All those years before, you carefully molded and prepared your child for engaging the world on her own. Now, the preteen years are here for a test run. The question is, are you ready to trust your child?

Most parents say, �I trust my child, but I don�t trust the world�. That�s valid. Your first concern is always for her safety. However, recognize too that your child is also blossoming into her own person. Her request for privacy is not necessarily a step away from you. Rather, it is a step toward her own growth. As her parent, you want that for her too, right?

So, how much privacy does your preteen deserve? Here�s the win-win answer. She should have just enough privacy to feel secure, and just enough for you to keep her safe.

Set the non-negotiables. Sit down with your child and talk about the balance between her privacy and her protection. Together, list down details which you both agree are always important for you to know. This includes knowing who her friends are, where they live and what their telephone numbers are (especially if she spends time in their house). You�ll also need to know everyday details like where she�s going and who she�ll be with. Clearly establish what is not allowed from the outset. This can vary from one family to another, depending on personal values and the environment.

Give her space. However ironic, realize that your preteen still needs some privacy even if she does live in your house. If it�s not a non-negotiable, respect her space. Better to give her room for self-expression there, rather than having her go and do it somewhere else away from you. At least there, you�re kept aware even from a distance. More often than not anyway, your child has nothing to hide. But if she feels you constantly looking over her shoulder (literally and figuratively), she just might start leaving her journal at school, or begin going to a friend�s house for the internet. Don�t give her a reason to keep things from you deliberately.

Talk about trust. Discuss with your child the important role of mutual trust in the preteen stage. Point out that privacy is protected by trust. Remind her too that trust is hard earned. Once it�s broken, it�s even harder to regain. Lastly, remember that the point of this discussion is mutual trust. It�s a two-way street.

If you sneak around reading your child�s email, think about the message that sends to her on how trust should be valued.

Be open. Most importantly, let your child know that she can talk to you about anything. Make her feel secure to approach you with any problem or concern. Create an open atmosphere where she can be honest with you without fear of being judged. When she does talk, listen neutrally and sincerely. If at other times she keeps her emotions to herself, respect that choice too.

Recognizing the privacy and ensuring the safety of your preteen can be quite an emotional balancing act. With good communication however, and a mutual commitment to trust, you�ll not only be a responsible parent, but a �cool� one too!

Jen looks back fondly on a happy childhood, and wanted to be a MOM when she 'grew up'. Now she basks in the glow of motherhood, with a first-grader and a teenager making her proud. Her husband happens to be The One she was absolutely meant for. That's why to her, everything else is gravy.

]]> Parenting Tweens & Teens by Jennifer Ferrer-Ramirez 2008-11-11T04:28:06+01:00 Dear Parents: Introducing… Your Preteen! http://www.kidsahoy.net/content.asp?ContentId=1093 Something interesting happens to your child between the ages of nine and twelve. Like a caterpillar entering a cocoon, he begins to build his own world, separate from the one you�ve made for him as a youngster. In that cocoon, several transformations occur. There are the physical changes that prepare him for puberty. There is also marked emotional growth, as he begins to come into his own person and make some attempts towards independence. Socially, he branches out beyond the familiar network he grew up with, to create his own social circles. Psychologically, you may notice him alternating between doubt and confidence. That confusion is characteristic of this stage, when children find themselves in a fluid state of being �in-between�.

Yes, your child is now a preteen! He�s in that wonderful yet sometimes confusing phase between being a child and being a full-fledged teenager. During this stage, your child won�t be the only one going through transitions. You too as a parent will need to revolutionize your parenting skills as well.

With your preteen, be ready to shift your role from teacher to coach. Your child already knows the �WHATs� and �HOWs� of the right thing to do. You�ve pretty much nailed that down in the first eight years. What he needs from you now is guidance on the WHYs of it being right, so that he can understand the principles behind correct actions and decisions. Help him to grasp the values, beliefs and principles upon which your lessons on proper behavior are grounded. Once absorbed, he�ll learn to apply them consistently later on, even when you�re not around.

You�ll also need to redefine disciplining your child. Instead of aiming for him to simply obey your instructions, develop his responsibility to do what�s right without needing to be told. Furthermore, underline the value that you want to ingrain. You can do this with self-reinforcing contracts that incorporate a reward or withhold a privilege, depending on how your preteen upholds his end of the deal. Joe�s story is a concrete example.

When Joe began middle school, his parents asked him if he felt ready to receive a weekly allowance. Joe excitedly agreed, because it was a real step up from the milk-money they gave him everyday in grade school. He received his first real allowance on Monday morning and he was told that this was his money for the entire week. By Wednesday afternoon however, Joe found that he�d spent it all! Since it was the first week they were trying this, Joe�s parents decided to be lenient. They still gave him milk money for both Thursday and Friday. They also thought up a contract that would help Joe manage his weekly allowance better.

This was the deal. Joe had to make his allowance last the whole week. If he ran out of money before then, he would not be given any more until his next allowance on the following Monday. However, if he was able to save some of his allowance by the end of the week, not only he could keep the saved money in his piggy bank, but his parents would also match the amount he had saved and give him that money for deposit into his savings account at the bank.

With this contract, Joe learned to become more responsible in handling his allowance. After going through one penniless Friday, he learned how to budget his spending. He had enough money for each day, and he was even able to save some in his piggy bank for whatever else he may need or really want later on. Furthermore, Joe�s parents modeled for him the value of saving. Now Joe knows that because he�s using his allowance wisely, he�s also saving money in the bank for his important needs in the future.

Re-engineered parenting during the preteen years, not only shifts accountability to your child, it also allows you to finally rest from having to make constant reminders just to get things done. That should come as a relief to you. For some parents however, they worry about easing up on their control. True, parenting a preteen entails some stepping back on your part, some letting go. Sometimes, you may even have to watch him make mistakes. That�s hard for any parent, but trust that you�ve trained your child well in the earlier years. Now it�s time for the run-throughs to see how he�ll keep going on his own. Your child�s preteen years are a great opportunity for this carefully guided simulation of managing himself wisely when he�s a teenager.

One thing you have in your preteen is a child who�s old enough to understand, but who�s young enough to be pliable. This is the time to let him explore his growing independence, yet still gently reel him in once in a while to make adjustments and realign his behavior as needed. Think of it as parental �product testing�. That means lots of trial and error blanketed in love, before you proudly and confidently release your masterpiece into the world market!

]]> Parenting Tweens & Teens by Jennifer Ferrer-Ramirez 2008-11-11T04:19:35+01:00